Grandparents parent again

September 28, 2008

By Jill Rothenbueler Maher

Bay View resident Barbara Bartlein’s 2002 memories of her grandniece Jocelyn are filled with anguish over the baby’s well-being. Bartlein saw that baby Jocelyn’s 19-year-old mother was abusing drugs and alcohol and not caring for her, and the baby’s father was not involved.

Bartlein and Jocelyn’s grandmother, Penny Brosky, felt they needed to intervene to protect the newborn’s physical and emotional condition, but they had no legal justification to step in. Bartlein was so concerned that she experienced true heartache-her heart literally ached for Jocelyn.

Brosky and Bartlein hired a lawyer and, within the year, convinced the courts to reassign custody-not an easy task because Wisconsin strongly protects parents’ rights.

Brosky formally adopted Jocelyn, who is now 6 years old, but Bartlein is very involved. She and her husband Charlie Brosky take the child two to three days per week, including overnight. Thus the couple, whose other children are young adults, are parents again.

Brosky and Bartlein are local examples of a national trend, as many grandparents and other relatives get more involved with directly raising children-whether it’s babysitting regularly, housing extended families, or assuming custody.

Growing Trend

Nationwide, the number of minors “living with” their grandparents increased by 30 percent between the 1990 and 2000 U.S. Censuses. The 2000 Census was the first to even inquire about grandparental responsibility.

Grandparents supervise almost one-third of children younger than 5 who have working mothers, according national census data.

In Milwaukee, over 7,000 grandparents are responsible for their grandchildren, according to a May 2007 AARP Grandparent Information Center fact sheet. That’s almost one-third of all grandparents responsible for their grandchildren statewide.

Intergenerational Care

Bertha Muñoz, who lives near 12th and Harrison, regularly cares for her 9-year-old granddaughter Valeria, whose single mom lives with Muñoz and her husband Ramón. Muñoz also babysits her 10 other local grandchildren, who range in ages from 1 to 11.

Many local grandparents are so involved they are totally responsible for the grandkids, enrolling them in school and purchasing all their food and clothing.

Intergenerational involvement can work well. Grandparents have already been parents and are well-positioned to enjoy the moment, stay calm, and understand when they don’t need to “sweat the details,” according to Bartlein. “You know what to just not worry about.”

For example, her grandniece’s molars were emerging and causing her pain. Jocelyn didn’t want to eat. Instead of forcing the issue, Bartlein switched her to a liquid diet until the pain abated.

Some grandparents don’t have the patience to deal with a child again, however, Bartlein said, and the physical work can be difficult.

Young children need to be lifted onto diaper changing tables and into car seats. Older children want to ride tricycles and require chasing at the playground.

Love & Experience

“We have the advantage of experience but we don’t have youth-you know, the wind,” said Frank Mulvey. He and his wife Kathy regularly care for grandchildren Sam, 5, and Maggie, 3. “I see other older adults and I empathize with them.”

When the weather is nice, the Mulveys go on outings to South Shore Park, where the kids enjoy the swings and slide.

Muñoz’s daughter Maria Muñoz said her 58-year-old mom seems to have plenty of energy. “She’s very active. She can’t sit doing nothing. I get tired before her.”

Bertha Muñoz admits being tired at the end of the day but loves being involved with her grandkids.

“I love them a lot and they are my kids, basically,” Muñoz relayed through an interpreter. “I know nobody else is going to be as patient with them as I am.”

The grandkids love her cooking, and can tell whether she makes a soup recipe or her daughter prepares it. They like to hug her and ask for her blessings before bed.

Her days can be long because she often begins caring for Valeria by making her breakfast and helping her prepare for school.

The Mulveys typically are responsible for the grandkids from 8:30 or 9am to 4:30 or 5pm one day per week. During school months, they only watch the younger child most of that time. When school is out, both kids are in their care for the majority of their one day per week.

Sharing Resources

Grandparents are often financially more stable than parents, observed Bartlein.

The grandparents’ willingness to watch the kids allows their parents to forgo approximately $3,000 per year in childcare expenses, said Mulvey.

AARP reports that about 20 percent of grandparents who provide childcare are paid.

Muñoz is paid by her children, but at rates lower than commercial childcare. The arrangement allows parents to decrease costs while feeling secure that the kids are lovingly supervised.

Some grandparents travel to watch the kids in their parents’ house while other grandparents have the kids dropped off at their home.

The Mulveys used to drive to their son’s house on the west side to supervise the kids in their own home. Now a parent drops them off at their house in Bay View.

They have equipped their own home with the necessary high chair and lots of toys. Also, the grandparents installed a car seat in their vehicle so they can transport Maggie.

Bartlein also supervises Jocelyn in her Estes Street home, which is equipped with a swing set originally used by Bartlein’s own children.

Home-owning grandparents have an easier time than renters, according to the AARP, because renters may be restricted by landlord rules about having additional occupants.

Not Rare Today

Bartlein said her family’s situation is not rare. For example, at a YMCA Mom & Me weekend camp, she observed other non-mother/child pairs.

A licensed social worker who speaks and consults on business and personal life, Bartlein has encountered sticky situations where one spouse, often the woman, wants to get involved with a grandchild but the other spouse does not agree. Couples anguish over how to step in.

“A lot of people don’t have a so-called ‘classic nuclear family,’” she said, “but it’s still a family.”

PARENTING NETWORK

The Parenting Network operates a helpline and support group for grandparents and other relatives who are responsible for children. Call (414) 671-0566.

This article is the second in a series about how local families are caring for their children.