Full-time fathers

August 29, 2008

Story by Jill Rothenbueler Maher Photos by Michael Timm

If these men had business cards, they would include titles like chief comforter or nap administrator. They are part of a tiny but increasing group of fathers who stay home with their children.

The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that 159,000 married dads with children under age 15 stayed home in 2006, the most recent year for which numbers are available. (Though the Census defines stay-at-home parents so strictly that most experts consider the resulting counts misleadingly low.)

Bay View’s stay-at-home dads can be spotted pushing strollers, playing with children in the park, and sipping a coffee at a cafe. Behind the scenes, they are making meals, changing diapers, and comforting sick kids.

Labor of Love

Local father Rigo Terando, who has stayed home for the past few years, attests that it is not easy.

Terando worked as a roofer full-time and still does occasional construction jobs. He says fatherhood and roofing cannot be compared. “I think a lot of daddies don’t know how hard it is to stay home with kids,” said Terando. “I don’t know how my mother handled nine kids.”

For him, parenthood is mentally challenging while roofing is physically difficult.

Another local father, Jon Newcomb, made the transition from MPS kindergarten teacher to stay-at-home dad.

His teaching position required him to interact with mostly children. Now he rattles off the names of other stay-at-home dads nearby his Wentworth Avenue home and is a member of the Bay View Babysitting Cooperative, which organizes social events for families and parents. “I’m less socially isolated now than I was when I was working,” he said.

Newcomb intends to return to teaching after a four-year leave of absence. The leave is officially three years plus a one-year extension due to the birth of his sixth child, Cormack.

While some people perceive daddy duty as isolating, Newcomb finds it the opposite.

Congenial, he chats with neighbors and waves to joggers passing by. He used to occasionally meet with other dads at Hector’s On Delaware restaurant.

Bay View’s urban setting could be supportive for dads because of the population density, according to one local researcher.

Noelle Chesley, assistant professor at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, is currently interviewing current and former stay-at-home dads and their wives or partners to examine the factors in the nontraditional family choice.

“I suspect that more urban environments make it easier because it’s easier to meet other people who are doing the same thing,” she said.

Getting Support

Stay-at-home parents need support, including daytime interaction with adults, and local dads are finding it in structured groups, casual gatherings, or incidental meetings.

Bay View residents Britt Brown and his partner Noel Rosado-Brown adopted their son Truman in 2000. On his second stint as a stay-at-home dad (after a five-month period of paid leave from American Express Travel when Truman was first adopted), Brown finds opportunities for breaks and adult conversation through an informal network of relatives and neighbors. Now laid-off from a different job, Brown is currently job searching and fathering full-time.

Some of his peer friends are also laid-off while others are home for the summer because they work only during the school year.

But Brown isn’t always watching Truman. The energetic 7-year-old has participated in summer school, after-school programs, Milwaukee Recreation activities, and also gymnastics in West Allis.

His parents find the neighborhood a good place for their family. “I find Bay View very supportive, not just of being a stay-at-home dad but of being a gay couple,” said Brown. “We don’t get a lot of questions that we get anywhere else, like ‘Oh, Mom’s night off?’”

Grandparents also offer support, helping out by supervising Truman and enriching his range of experiences. Brown said they were especially useful when Noel traveled out of town for work.

Newcomb has found community resources useful.

He often takes his younger children to a Bay View Community Center playgroup. Parents chat while the kids play.

Also, he uses the babysitting co-op to make attending medical appointments easier. He can take one child to the doctor while another co-op member supervises other young children.

Hearing Comments

Stay-at-home dads are rare enough to be noticeable. Local fathers do not report hearing criticism but they do get comments when they are out in public on weekdays.

Some people find Newcomb’s stay-at-home dad role unique, but that’s not the comment he hears most often. “I get more reaction to the number of kids than to staying home.”

Terando, originally from Mexico, still works on short construction jobs when the family’s schedule accommodates it. His fellow roofers sometimes lightheartedly tease him and downplay the difficulty of parenting, but generally he finds people receptive to his role.

In fact, he is a hot topic for chatty moms and babysitters at the Ohio Playground at 10th Street and Ohio Avenue, who envy that his wife has such an involved husband.

“Every time I go to the park, a lot of moms are jealous. They ask if I’m the babysitter or the dad. They ask if I have the day off,” he said.

Some strangers are surprised that Terando knows how to change diapers and comes prepared with kids’ sunscreen, but the Terandos have never used daycare and these aspects of parenting are second nature to him.

Terando’s wife Lori said she doesn’t feel awkward explaining that her husband stays home.

She has a flexible schedule as an assistant professor at UWM and gets to spend plenty of time with their daughters.

She appreciates that the girls have a strong relationship with their dad, and find it adds depth to their upbringing.

“The kids are very happy. They go to him as much as they go to me.”

Keeping Things Going

Parenting’s “always on” aspect is challenging for many parents-including full-time fathers. “When you go to work, you get 15 minute breaks and a lunch break. You don’t get that at home,” said Brown.

Newcomb said the demands of watching his six children force him to grocery shop “in the middle of the night.”

He and his wife Mollie, a lawyer, require a significant amount of food for their family of eight. Their children range in ages from seven months to 17 years. Jon does most of the cooking.

Eating less takeout food is one of the adjustments the couple made as their family grew and Newcomb and his wife decided that he would stay home.

When Britt Brown began staying home, Noel increased his work responsibilities at the Medical College of Wisconsin Center for AIDS Intervention Research. The change freed him from rushing home from work to pick up Truman because Britt was now available.

The couple shares duties like grocery shopping, cooking, and laundry; they delegate some chores to Truman.

All in all, local stay-at-home dads seem to have high “job satisfaction.” They relish the pleasure of seeing young kids’ first steps or keeping older kids in healthy activities.

And Noel Rosado-Brown said the change to Britt being home hasn’t fazed the couple. “If you work together pretty well when you’re both working, when you encounter a shift like this, it works out.”

MILWAUKEE DADS GROUP

Jason Kauflin of Wauwatosa operates a local group for stay-at-home dads. They also welcome dads who are not full-time stay-at-home parents: for example, a firefighter who spends many weekdays with his children.

Since 2003 over 300 dads have signed up for the group’s email list but a core group of four or five guys is most active, according to Kauflin.

The group meets twice per month for breakfast and meets for “Dad’s night out” dinners without the children. Dinners are sometimes followed by poker tournaments.

Kauflin does not feel that local stay-at-home fathers face social obstacles although some seem to feel conspicuous. “I think there’s an acceptance for dads. It’s case specific. Some dads feel like they have eyes on them.”

When he’s out in public, Kauflin sometimes speaks to strangers about full-time fatherhood. The reactions are often positive. “We have a lot of elderly women come up and say, ‘Hey, that’s great that you are out with your kids.’”

Milwaukeedads.com provides a brief description of the group and its activities plus a link to contact the group’s leader to be on an email list. Also, merchandise with the Milwaukee Dads logo is available for purchase.

COUNTING STAY-AT-HOME DADS

Across the nation, stay-at-home dads have become more common, but specific numbers are difficult to pin down.

The U.S. Census Bureau counts a stay-at-home parent in “married couple family groups with children under 15 where one spouse is in the labor force all the previous year and one spouse is out of the labor force all the previous year for the reason ‘taking care of home and family.’”

For 2006, the most recent year for which data are available, 159,000 dads fit this definition, up from 64,000 in 1995. (For stay-at-home moms, the figures are over five million in 2006 and over four million in 1995.)

Many dads, however, are primary caretakers of children but also work part-time or arrange work schedules around children’s needs-others are not married. Thus, researchers think a more accurate estimate of stay-at-home fathers is significantly higher.

The number may be as high as two million, according to Aaron Rochlen, an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin who has conducted several studies on the topic.

Of the three dads profiled for this article, only Jon Newcomb fits the Census definition. Britt Brown is not in a married-couple family group. Rigo Terando is not out of the labor force for an entire year because he occasionally works on two-or-three-day roofing projects.

This article is the first in a series on how local families are caring for their children.

Click photos to enlarge.