Modern families defy assumptions
July 30, 2009
By Jill Rothenbueler Maher
Diversity did not exist in my 1970s and 1980s upbringing in New Berlin-no divorced parents, no unwed mothers, no ethnic or religious diversity. I appreciate Bay View’s variety of families, which has been apparent to me as I interview people for articles in this paper. I’ve talked with two men who together adopted a son, a stay-at-home dad with six kids, and a grandparent with custody of her granddaughter. They all live in Bay View and seem to be very comfortable here, and I’m glad we live in an accepting area. In contrast, I used to hear tales from an acquaintance about feeling out-of-place as a single mom in Whitefish Bay.
Unmarried mothers are very common throughout the country, where they deliver four in 10 babies. (The figure is from 2007, the most recent year for which data are available from the National Center for Health Statistics.) The number of unmarried mothers is 26 percent higher than in 2002.
It’s astounding that almost half of American children born in 2007 arrived outside the paradigm of married parents. This sea change causes a variety of accommodations for people dealing with families. For example, it’s no longer a valid assumption that a child lives with both parents. We cannot presume that a mother’s husband (or boyfriend) is her baby’s father. In recognition of the range of living situations, the Bay View Community Center’s Youth Registration Form has a section for the child’s name and address, and a second area for the parent/guardian’s name and address. Tweaks to forms are a tangible example of the growing societal acceptance of single parents and other family structures.
I try to be accepting, too, and I have to laugh at myself when I’m overly cautious. As a stay-at-home mom, I talk with lots of strangers over the course of a day in libraries, parks, and other gathering places. One mom’s short hair and earthy, androgynous clothing signaled to me she was lesbian. I sensed she was avoiding mentioning her partner, so I pondered a way to let her know that I was all right with her lifestyle: perhaps I could talk about an invitation to a commitment ceremony. We happened to see each other three or four more times and then she surprised me by referring to her husband.
She didn’t need my reassurances because she was living the same lifestyle as me, just with shorter hair and more casual clothes. I chided myself for holding another stereotype about fashion signaling sexual orientation.
I’m glad our daughter will grow up to know diverse families here in Bay View. While she grows, I am working on minimizing my stereotypes and seeking a neutral way to ask “Who is in your family?”
The author is a freelance writer and mother of one. Reach her with comments or suggestions at jill@bayviewcompass.com.
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Clare on Mon, 31st Aug 2009 8:01 pm
This article really comes at just the right time. At work I have struggled as I have sought ways to make all people feel accepted in a world of stereotypes and differences. And yes,… things have definitely changed since the 80’s both at work and at home.
Helpful and insightful observations from this author !!